I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
