Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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