But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
