Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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