First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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