I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.