I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
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I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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