why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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