Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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