your parents love me but you hate me
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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