I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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