my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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