My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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