your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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