I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
