It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
