but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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