thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
