closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
