About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
this boner is exhausting
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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