I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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