My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
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I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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