he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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