Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
