His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
