YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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