Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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