Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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