Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
