just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
soo... how was my night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
