how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
