Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
