Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she told me i tasted like america
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
