haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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