I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
