Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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