Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
