it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
