When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
