these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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