There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
