His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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