Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
