I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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