By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
