someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
