Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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