Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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