lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
