mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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