You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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