I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
