ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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