Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
