I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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