My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
