So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
